simple.

whenever i go back to simi i see it more and more.
the reason why i'm the way i am now.
the reason why i don't really care for partying or going out every weekend.
why i appreciate just staying home, playing a video game or just plainly enjoying my time at home with the people i care about.
some say it's because i grew out of it.
others say it's the people you're generally around.

i say it's just how i've been raised.

look at the town i lived in.
my cousins who like just having bbqs, having easter olympics, or nights of board games.
there's a reason why i just having long talks with people just so i know them a little more.

i feel guilty sometimes though.
why can't i just be more outgoing?
why can't i just say fuck it and go to more parties?
why would i rather stay at my apartment or go on nerdy adventures.

lately it seems like i'm down.
thats not the case though.
we see things differently. i find happiness in different things. my friends enjoy just staying in and watching food network. actually i only have a few okay like a couple of close friends who i can do that with.
i don't want to be a choice for him.
i don't want to be considered a priority or not.

i just want to be someone he goes to with his problems
someone he can love.
someone he can be happy with if things go sour.

i mean i do.
he's the first person i'd want to know.
but i feel like my recent melancholy outlook towards today kills it.

right now i'm in simi valley with nick knocked out in my brothers room.
last night we had dinner with my family, watched so you think you can dance, and then we watched random informercials about dildos and vibrators.
slowly i'm doing things where i see it helping me in the future.
it's slowly giving me peace of mind seeing that i'll be okay.
okay with nick.
okay with my family.
okay with school.
okay with friends new and old.
and okay with me.

i'm still scared for the future.
i'm scared of losing who i am.

to be honest he's the reason i'm trying to find stability in my life.
for a person who loves things simple i make things too complex.

i may not have been able to celebrate my birthday with all my family.
but i did at least get to be with a few of those i love.
if only i could wake up and everything made sense to everyone.
i woke up at 830 today and didn't go back to sleep.
i feel as if i can do something.

i'm gonna do something new.

peace out yo,
casey redublo