when you start stacking up your schedule, you begin to hate how short the day seems.
having going to bed early to wake up for work.
or having to miss a kickback that one you are rarely ever invited to and two missing out on seeing old friends. and all because you're so exhausted from having been to 3 classes in a row plus an internship that's a 4 hour shift.

i wanted this.
the distraction. a little motivation to move forward in life at a faster pace.
i said i wasn't going to do dance comp this year for aphio but now i am.
i stuck with doing pilipino culture night. and now it's in two weeks.
i stuck with doing hoag no matter how many times i complained about it. i graduate from the program end of april.
aphio seems pointless to me now, yet i still consider running for president senior year.

everything is coming to a close.
and yet i still crave more.
something isn't satisfying me.
there's a blank spot. a pot hole in the street the only defect to even pavement.

it seems like there is less of a passion as i finish everything up.
more of an obligation.
i began all these endeavors with a sparkle in my eye.
a bit of adventure and excitement in the pit of my stomach.
i felt it in the beginning.
now i just feel... old.

it's true, doing dance comp again made me feel that old feeling again.
that yearning and desire to be stronger.
true finishing hoag does mak me want to do another internship in some medical setting.
it's true that aphio does continue to make me want to inspire others to use their minds and be their own leader to create a sense of brotherhood.

i feel like the hole left in my uneven path is occasionally filled with drops of water from those random days of overcast and rain. the days i love. when everything seems complete and perfect. at times i see it as my road towards what ever is out there is ready to lead me, but once that water leaves and i see those imperfections along the way i get scared. i don't want to go forward. i want to wait. wait and have the water fill up the blank spaces. make it look like everything is okay again.

sigh.
i want to love again.